Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?