Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.