Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
This 4th of July, please remember…
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
*aggressively waits in line*
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I like crazy people until they notice me
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please