alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
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no one likes gloating
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?