My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.