it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker