I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
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If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*