Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no