My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
The answer is funnier than the question
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.