Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.