On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
cat vs inanimate object
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.