It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):