WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
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As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
the dark web is just a goth google.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.