[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
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Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
ibopfufen
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):