Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
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Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.