co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
You Might Also Like
Need this in my life lol
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Why font matters.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Grandmother clock.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.