Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
😂😂
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.