Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
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*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.