Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
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“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.