Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
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Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.