Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
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*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!