*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Only short people can save us
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.