Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
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Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
what?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]