cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
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[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?