Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
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Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?