When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
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The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
work smarter, not harder
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”