A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
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Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Can Happiness buy money?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
😂😂😂
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.