cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.