‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Born to be mild.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.