Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
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*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
😍😂🥰😂😍
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.