Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Got him!
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
That’s incredible! 👌
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
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