me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
tell em, edith-anne
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?