Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
This is Sparta
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business