On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
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Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
79.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs