[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Stonehinge
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
❤️🦆
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?