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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.