[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
this is 10/10 content no notes
When I said I liked it rough.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
the three branches of government
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face