Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station