*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
yeah no that’s fair
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I’m not proud
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat