If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
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My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
No, he would not have.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?