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“Itself”
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“Itself”
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“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
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“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
LA today: