Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
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[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates