time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
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*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Anime is real
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.