[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue