If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!