me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
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Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I love twitter
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.