“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”