Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
But I really needed water water water
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.