More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging