Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
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I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life